


The Waitress Is Getting Married

by ceralynn



Series: Fic Per Episode [3]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 08:54:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3523157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceralynn/pseuds/ceralynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This is for your engagement, man. You're a lucky, lucky dude."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Waitress Is Getting Married

Things worked out so very rarely for Charlie. So very, very rarely. He could hardly believe it.

The Waitress was not getting married, and greater still, the son of a bitch who almost stole her away was up to his eyeballs in hornet stings by now. Maybe he even had a bee allergy. _You never know_ , Charlie thought with a smile.

Normally, he'd be out at the bar celebrating, lording the spoils of his fantastic fortune over his friends. But this situation was delicate. There was meta-scheming to be attempted. Charlie absconced to he and Frank's apartment, polishing off whatever booze they'd nicked from the bar before scuttling to (and breaking into) the source somewhere after one in the morning. He enjoyed upwards of a dozen more beers in the calm silence of the backroom before working up his best weepy slur and phoning Dennis, who answered on the second ring of the second call.

"Dude, it's almost two. In the morning. Where were you all day?"

Charlie noted Dennis' irritation and, rescinding his original sloppy-unintelligible-crying approach, decided less was more. "..my bad room."

"..aw, dude." Charlie heard sheets rustling, Dennis sitting up, Mac distantly complaining. "Are you okay? Are you too drunk to get out of there?"

"No, man, I'm just.. wait, is Mac in bed with you?"

Seconds of silence. "N-no, he's just.. It's not important. Are you okay?"

"Well.." Mac could be heard louder in the background. "It's just.. this whole thing with the Waitress, it's got me really down.."

"Yeah? You, um.. need someone to talk to?"

"Well, yeah.. I mean, yeah.."

Charlie could almost make out Mac's words now. "Alright, well you just sit tight, okay, pal? I'll be there in like fifteen minutes."

"Seriously dude, are you in bed with Mac right now?"

"I'll see you soon, Charlie, bye."

\--

"Charlie? ..you okay, buddy?"

Charlie fixated on Dennis with wide eyes, then took to glancing mournfully about the room. "Yeah, no, I mean.. been doin' a lot of crying.. recently.."

"Y-yeah? Been doing a lot of that?" Dennis glanced around himself, taking in the massive quantity of empty beer cans littering the tiny office. Charlie nodded, working up tears, then gestured vaguely behind him.

"Would you..?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course."

Dennis quickly scuttled behind him, massaging shoulder muscles Charlie was intentionally tensing.

"Is the beer helping at all, man? Do you wanna," Dennis screwed up his face a bit, "talk about it?"

"Yeah! I do! I mean, okay, I go to this guy's house, right?"

"Right."

"And so I'm confronting him about this. I'm confronting this guy so hard, right? Well, check this out: he's not even marrying the Waitress. He's just gonna leave her before the wedding, you know? To like, mess with her emotions and self-esteem and stuff."

Dennis' fingers stopped. "What."

"And, also, I gave him a box full of hornets. So all in all, this actually turned out pretty well for me."

"The Waitress _isn't_ getting married?"

"No, dude." Charlie swivelled his chair to face Dennis. "He's gonna do it to your sister, too, how cool is that?"

"No, that is not cool!! Nothing about this is cool, Charlie! Why on earth would you invite me to the bar at the two in the morning if you aren't actually upset about the Waitress?!"

Charlie shrank back a bit, much too drunk and mentally unprepared for this turn of events. "We.. always fuck after the Waitress rejects me in a big way. Don't we?"

"She didn't reject you! _She isn't even getting married_." Dennis ran a hand through his hair, flabberghasted. "Fucking think about it, dude. She's out there, sad, alone, questioning herself, doubting her self-worth, probably drunk. And you'd rather be here trying to coerce pity sex out of me?!"

Charlie stared for a long moment, drunkenly processing every facet of the question.

"..yes," he half-asked, half-said, tilting his chin down and raising his eyebrows in the "your move" face he usually pulled after doing something consciously reprehensible.

Dennis sighed deeply, shutting his eyes and tousling his own hair again. After a moment, he opened his eyes.

"Well let's do this, I guess."

"Alright, cool."


End file.
